Call me Countess Báthory

  • Rude Person: How can you be 32? You look like you're in your early 20s! How?
  • Me: I bathe in the blood of virgins.
  • Rude Person: What???
  • Me: And let me tell you, that stuff is getting fucking RARE.

My friend says I'm Oscar Wilde reincarnated.

  • Acquaintance: You never seem to age! What's your secret?
  • Me: I have a portrait in my attic that ages in my place.
  • Acquaintance: Huh?

Livers, Time Lords, and Student Loans

  • Me: Like my nifty, reusable latex gloves?
  • Josh: *looks at me like I'm crazy*
  • Me: I'm going to use them when I remove your liver. I'm going to sell it on the black market to pay my student loans
  • Josh: *looks at me like I've completely lost it*
  • Me: Don't worry. I'll leave you a bit, and it'll regenerate. It's the Time Lord of organs.

I hate him sometimes...

  • Josh: What about ¿Dónde está mi gato?
  • Me: Where is my cat?
  • Josh: (holds up our dinner: 3 orders of Sesame Chicken) RIGHT HERE!
SON-OF-A-BITCH-BASTARD-PIGS!!!
Why I’m not allowed to play Angry Birds anymore.

Adventures in Grocery Shopping

  • Ben: I need a bag of potatoes.
  • Me: Just because our ancestors had to suffer through the potato famine does not mean you need to buy a bag every time we go to the grocery store.
  • Fritz: I can't read what you've written here.
  • Me: That's because it's written in Old High Gallifreyan.
  • Fritz: It really boggles the mind why you're still single.
  • Me: I'm waiting on the Doctor.
Josh, you look like an extra from Braveheart.
Me, Re: his scraggly beard & longish hair first thing in the morning.
  • Ben: *sprays me with the Axe body spray someone gave him for Christmas*
  • Me: Great, now I smell like someone from The Jesery Shore.
  • Me: (leaving the kitchen) Carry on my wayward son!
  • Ben: Peace out, Kansas.