Call me Countess Báthory

  • Rude Person: How can you be 32? You look like you're in your early 20s! How?
  • Me: I bathe in the blood of virgins.
  • Rude Person: What???
  • Me: And let me tell you, that stuff is getting fucking RARE.

My friend says I'm Oscar Wilde reincarnated.

  • Acquaintance: You never seem to age! What's your secret?
  • Me: I have a portrait in my attic that ages in my place.
  • Acquaintance: Huh?
Dad had a ‘Hey, y’all. Watch this’ moment.
Josh, after dad tossed camp stove fuel on the fire in the backyard. The resulting explosion shook the house. *Sigh* Not one of my dad’s finer moments.
People don’t go to church to have a good time.
Ben, when Mum asked Josh if he had a good time at church.

Livers, Time Lords, and Student Loans

  • Me: Like my nifty, reusable latex gloves?
  • Josh: *looks at me like I'm crazy*
  • Me: I'm going to use them when I remove your liver. I'm going to sell it on the black market to pay my student loans
  • Josh: *looks at me like I've completely lost it*
  • Me: Don't worry. I'll leave you a bit, and it'll regenerate. It's the Time Lord of organs.

I generally hate South Park, but they did get this part right...

  • Mr. Garrison: Say 'hi' to Damien! [silence] And where are you from, Damien?
  • Damien: The seventh layer of hell!
  • Mr. Garrison: Ooooh, that's exciting, my mother was from Alabama.

Source: bustyzombiehookersfromspace

Josh, you need a shirt that says, ‘Drinking for Special Needs Chinese Kids’.
Ben re: a friend of the family collecting cans for a fund raising thing to adopt a special needs child from China.
  • Ben: You need a sheet on your bed.
  • Me: It's in the closet.
  • Ben: It's not the only thing in this room that's in the closet.
feministhistorian: ricksantorum-2012: Who said conservatives couldn’t be sexy? ;)  Me. People wearing the Confederate flag bikini (or anything with the Confederate flag) are not fucking sexy, they are fucking racist asshats. ^YES! Not sexy AT ALL.
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feministhistorian:

ricksantorum-2012:

Who said conservatives couldn’t be sexy? ;) 

Me. People wearing the Confederate flag bikini (or anything with the Confederate flag) are not fucking sexy, they are fucking racist asshats.

^YES! Not sexy AT ALL.

(via historicalslut)

Source: ricksantorum-2012

I hate him sometimes...

  • Josh: What about ¿Dónde está mi gato?
  • Me: Where is my cat?
  • Josh: (holds up our dinner: 3 orders of Sesame Chicken) RIGHT HERE!